Dream of vocation

I once had a dream that I was in a room full of people and someone was standing at the front and calling out our names, one by one. Each person had to stand when called and was then given the name of their role in life/job. When I was called I was just told "education". I had this dream some years ago but it has stuck with me, for obvious reasons as it was obviously trying to tell me my "calling" and it felt completely right in the dream.

I am at a crossroads in my life. I have realised that I have spent my whole life underestimating and undervaluing myself massively. I want to change this and am trying to but it is extremely difficult. I've posted this in the "dreams" section also. I've also had warm and caring responses on this forum and it's where I turn to when I'm really struggling. i dont have many people who would properly listen to this, if anyone in fact but on this forum I've found I've been heard in the past.

A lot of people moan about the 9 to 5 and make jokes about how awful it is as though they have no choice - i know I do this but inside I have more inspiration and believe I need to be uplifted - I have it in me to be and it is a massive craving, almost like a spiritual quest but seriously, I don't know specifically why i feel this or what to do in practical terms to get there. it is as though my mind wants to be somewhere else and my soul needs to be somewhere else, and I live every day trying to deal with this and force myself into the reality I'm in. When people say it's ok to do that to earn money, I don't think it is ok. i do it though! but I feel on a deep level these messages are trying to get out of me but can't. Does it sound crazy? I've just spent four days with some inspiring people on a short break, many of them fulfilled and intelligent and it has brought it home to me even more that I underestimate myself and force myself into frustration and work that is beneath my capability. I am quite a shy person socially and this may be limiting my choices, or it has massively in the past.

The reason I am so bothered is that I get so frustrated with people underestimating me, but it is obviously the message I am giving out and if I improve things, including being true to myself and feel fulfilled in myself and in my potential, then it will probably not keep happening. it is as though i don't know who I am, but at the same time i do!

Education could mean that I should be a teacher, some people have told me I'd be good at it but others wouldn't agree. I know I have an intellect with creativity that is crying out to be expressed. i work as an administrator at a fairly high level but nevertheless this role gets undervalued too and i constantly feel underestimated and frustrated that there is another person inside that no one can see, and people sometimes give the impression that they see me as unintelligent when (without meaning to boast) I am fairly intelligent. It;s the frustration and lack of an outlet, through work essentially I think, that I think I need to deal with in order to be happy. Any help would be appreciated, i seem to have a massive block! I am not confident at work but am more confident outside. i find my office often values people with the "gift of the gab" whether they work or not. It isn't essentially others I want to please, but myself in a way - I just feel insulted by the constant low opinion and lack of belief in me that others show so I somehow need to express something (but don't know what it is) to be my true self to others. I hope this makes sense, it's difficult to explain as I am only just getting to grips with it myself. i don't think education has to mean "teacher" by the way, it can also mean therapist perhaps. I also love literature and am good at writing, some have told me I'm talented at it yet I do nothing with it really. Sometimes when I get an inspiration and write about something I realise it's pretty good and there is a creativity there which doesn't come out anywhere else, and I get on a high. i feel like I'm in better place but also get this through reading and through inspiring things/people/ideas/history. I don't know but there is something inside me that can't get out!!:(.

I would also add that at work in particular but not just at work, I have a feeling of a denseness which i can't tolerate. I feel almost as thought i have a sensitivity which needs to be nurtured for me to be happy, yet I am constantly pulled down by competition, jealousy, backstabbing etc. It hurts me a great deal but I no longer allow myself to get too upset or cry. It just damages me on some level, hard to explain. All I can say is I am coping ok and can put it all on, but there is someone inside crying because she has so much more to give.:( And no one will see this, maybe it threatens them. I feel very held back. I think the pattern came from my father who has an intellect but never was able to use it in work and lost his self esteem and never found his niche. It scares me a lot.