Internal landscapes - External reality

Cathedrals, chapels, ruins & graves
All internal landscapes inside this human nave.
Spiral stairs, straight ones too.
Made with cold stone that have been carved
into ravines for emotions to dwell
Some still so deep, they are labeled don’t tell..
Building bridges has been my permanent chore.
And then when I cast my hope forward, I look down & see a reflection that hits me to my core.
With nails & actions, I can batten down my
internal floor.
Basement bound with tape, not from officials, rather from my living dead.
Some footprints give my heart an attack
of fear rather than cardiac.
Some deadly diseases are best left frozen
in time & intact.
Only my insides are burning up & these
corpse are beginning to smell.
The last autopsy report said “If only they
could tell”.
I’m here & my tongue is burdened with
words. That once spoken will open my
internal flood gate.
Hush now & hold ammonia to your nose,
these corpses need to be left to decompose.

Cast forth the truth upon the current plain
It is with desperation I need to explain
I’m stuck not in the torture or pain
I’m stuck in the reality again & again.
Cast forth my freedom into a forthcoming day
When I may wake without a mind full of thunderous scum.
Dreaming of a less burdened mind, is as useful as a crumbling spine.
It won’t stand in my life time, as acceptance at midnight again does chime.
Outward sparkles an endless wonder, to serve those who for love they hunger.
I’m but passing through, surviving on the image of a different shoe.
To step upon a hallow ground & learn my sentence is dumbfound.
Oh to walk with free foot & mouth.
I settle for a breath in lung & accept my life still musters fun.
Yet in the well of tormented emotional seas, I sink more than swim & practice light yet in energy end up more dim

The stillness tormented me
agitates & bakes me
Inside I am not still!
The silence frightens me
with out sound I can’t tell what lurks
Inside I am not silent!
Combined stillness & silence
have me believe annihilation
has obliterated everything,
everyone & all of me.
Inside I often feel annihilated
There was no end, in fact after
silence came joint forces
to obliterate me.
I was silent & still
because some kill
and I’m still walking
Internal & external landscapes
are still miles apart
Just like the rapid change
of the beat in my heart
Roller coaster living with
no fun fair in sight
I’m screaming let me off
yet holding on tight
if only I don’t have to
face my fears again
tonight
Sleep is neither external
or internal, it’s a place
In between
Where battles are waged
resisted & fought
if only I didn’t have so
much to sort.

From in this tomb I draw my knees
and turn although in an awkward squeeze
I raise and stand with all my being
My beating heart tells me it’s for living
Hyper vigilant, anxious too, I know who
knows the enormity of seeing this through.
No wonder my silence was so pronounced
while I had yet to process the life that came
unannounced.
I saw, I heard, I felt I died
Where else, but in a tomb would I hide.
I am the walking dead & you can’t kill what’s already said.
I’ve chapters that are encrypted
Volumes that have an unfathomable code
I’m in every step I walk & every word I speak.
And I’m not in the secret others wish I would keep.

Time to say goodbye
As my inside life flies away
Though the shell that is left
Leaves nothing to perplex
Time to bow out gently
Take n action quite contrary
Lay me down on pastures new
Leave my body leave my body
Cut me down or steak me up
I am not of you
Bury me deep, don’t shallow my
grave
Leave my wake to be of a watering hole
Where many feed & leave forlorn
I bow to thee of faith & wisdom
I quench my thirst on equilibrium
But when living is too heavy
In here is a mutant thread
Designed to survive but is
more content dead
Leave my body
I am all said

I’m not going to die with my music still in me!
Despite my words, I have not sung yet.
And when I do it will be on the tallest mountain
& resonate with the deepest sea.
I’m getting ready for the birth of me!

Who’d of thought?
I should have!
When friendly fire is not for fun
Rather hoped, no pray, no begged
That you would not raise your threatening head
Your not alone there are many
Who needs a tropical storm, when they are not yet steady.
When no Colours match your flag at all
You know your waging a one women war
Only I can’t fight & I can’t pretend, my defenses
have their resignations penned.
I have no white flag, it’s stained in blood
I can’t down arms when I have none.
Where does the prey go to sleep
When they have been running with 3 decades of truth.
It’s ok I have my lipstick on
A little bit of me that fakes being ok.
Go ahead steal my words
but they didn’t come from the life you’ve led.
Sadly these are not a literacy stake.
They are the remnants of my life for god sake!
You think this is about the past? when I live with wolves that
like to see me dance.
They don’t allow a new day, they are only interested in playing with their prey.
You can’t heal if your under constant fire.
Your only hope is a hit man for hire.
But that won’t buy me freedom, ever.
Which way does my life pull? clockwise or anti?
either way I’m heading down the plug hole.
My song is an Honour cry, only problem is my throats bone dry. So finger points & words come here,
They are selfishly mine, selfishly stored, so I may unclutter my mind, in the hope one day I may wake up clear.

She heard the silence scream
She saw the stillness swirl
She lost that girl

Eyes wide shut
Heart rate cut
Turned inside out
No sound when I shout
If the ground rises up
While my strength washes out
There are steps that are carved
A fate that is charged
This ring is more like a copper
coil
It is forcing my memory to boil
To die me, wire me, send me insane
What I need to let go, is like a month
of rain.
Each drop connecting to,a conscious
stream. Only I can’t speak of its depth
or breadth.
I’d have to explain the trickle, the
constant flow, the threat of the torpedo.
2000 leagues under the sea, only
I’m not in a sci fi movie.
My story is diving as deep as can
be, there is no resurfacing for me.
When you don’t trust those that wait
on the surface, you’d rather be in Lead
Boots than telescope up.
My mouth I promise will
remain shut.

As I contemplated
I was saddened
Options had run dry
To live the truth
Means do or die
Only doing well
No comment
Suspense is no
my leaving word
Reality rather
cooks the bird

Some may see gobbledygook
for me it is my mind map
When you navigate through life alone
for fear has you trust no one
I need to keep a record public but private
as I keep private what I can’t say public

And so the lunar times are shifting
No longer am I protected by time
My promise to myself draws closer
I feel saddened that it has come to this
If only someone listened
If only they had taken the time
Instead they shared their concerns
Their feelings, their duty needs.
Deleting facts, splitting off connections
minimizing acts so indecent.
For once in my life I had begun to
trust someone would hear me.
Now I don’t know who knows what
Who holds the whole of me in mind?
No one!
No one will, not even me, it’s too big for me
to.
So I am still here, hooray 15 years &
this time of year.
Dr who screw driver, Tardis too
let me lend both of you
Then I wouldn’t need permanent ink
when pencil will do
If I write in sharpies i’d Need a few
Thank good I’ve been able to statement
a few

These posts are like seeing only a slither of moon
Like a celebrations tin with only one flavor
Like an invite without a venue
Like a restaurant without a menu
Like a lock without a combination
Like a beat without a heart
Like a tear without salt
Ingredients missing
Recipes that have no title
Believe me I know
this is like my life with PTSD

Tia in the cremation of another
That ones mortality pertains
To fossil like aches & pains
Oh how annoying
The god forsaking gnawing
With purple rain so adorning
Pray tell an end a warning
As trauma feels like a disease
Consumption of a different yearning
How sinful is the desire
To have ones life expire
When in reality you hope it will begin
But it did & look what happened
How pray tell am I back where
I begin?

Those that insist
Deprive me of resist
Those who insist
Place handcuffs on my wrists
Those insisting
are not really listening
Those make me
froze