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merrydust
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I am wondering if im over reacting.

We have some concerns around my husbands job at the moment. we have discussed the situation and have plans in place if the worst comes to the worst.
we are a positive optomistic couple.we have a very close loving relationship and did have an active sex life.all this stopped about 2 months ago and I thougt it was just tiredness and stress.I have mentioned it and asked if he is tired and if eveything is ok.he assured me it was.
I woke the other morning and found him masterbating.He said he didnt want to wake me ! and also now know he has been using porn.
Im feeling very hurt and excluded. I asked him why and he said he has got lazy in our relationship and im hearing it as he has lost interest in me.

I dont know what to think or believe.why didnt he tell me how he was feeling ?

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myarka
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I think it's a positive thing that you're talking about this. Changes in behaviour can be brought about by many things, but now you have an oportunity to talk and get to know what each other's concerns and worries are.

The damage happens when these things go on for years and lives become separated. But when problems are out in the open, they're a lot easier to solve. It can be a bit embarrassing at first, and denial and defensive behaviours will come up, but bit by bit it becomes easier. Just don't be judgemental of each other, accept the situation for what it is now, and move forward.

So look at it as a good thing, start talking, create some "couple time" and learn to have fun together again.

Namaste,
Myarka.

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merrydust
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Thanks for the reply,but I cant initiate something he isnt interested in.
my question was, am I over reacting ?

we had lots of couple time up until 8 weeks ago.

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debdobbs
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Hi Merrydust! Sorry to hear your problem. I don't think you are over reacting to this, it can be a shock to any relationship when a partner becomes uninterested in sex, and also a blow to your confidence. The fact that he's using porn and masturbating can also come as a shock to many women as they feel inadequate and wonder why their partner doesn't make 'moves' on them if they are showing signs of interest in sex. I have had a similar problem where we haven't had any physical contact for 8 months due to me being too tired, and him critcising me. My husband has always had an interest in porn, which i am not repulsed by, but find it degrading when they expect you to 'perform' in the bedroom like one of their videos!
Does he show any signs of affection at all to you? A kiss or a cuddle?
You need to talk with him about what is going on. I know it sounds easier than it is, but you really need to get to the bottom of what is happening.
Have there been rows in your house? Perhaps he feels he can't talk to you about his worries. Mens still need a sexual release, and i'm afraid they resort to masturbation to fulfill that need. Women want love and tenderness, to be held and feel loved. You deserve this, and i think you should gently ask him about his need for porn and why he isn't approaching you.
I can understand your shock, and this is a normal reaction, so don't feel undermined by this. I hope you can communicate together, and find out what is the root of this problem. Love and light.

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Sunbeam
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Hi Merrydust

Wanting to talk about this problem and find a way of solving the issues which surround it is not an over reaction at all :). As has been said loads of different things influence a couples sex life but they do need to be discussed if they are bringing up concerns for either partner.

Something I would like to add is that masturbation is not always sexual. What I mean is that masturbation is also a method of stress release and great endorphin producer. My boyfriend has remarked that I have quite blokey tendencies in that when i'm stressed or unhappy its a technique i sometimes use. I don't necessarily feel turned on i just need 'something' and sometimes I use masturbation to fill that gap, other times it will be chocolate or a bourbon. Therefore his masturbation may not reflect his sexual appetite so don't feel threatened by this.

I guess overall what i'm trying to say is the masturbation shouldn't been your main focus initially, avoid criticising that, focus on your partnership and how the lack of intimimacy is affecting you. Perhaps masturbation and porn may turn out to be an underlying issue but it may well not be and is something that is naturally resolved when the real reasons for his behaviour change come to light.

With love

Sunbeamx

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merrydust
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Thanks for the replys they have helped me think more clearly.
We are very open an honest with each other and talk about everything. We have had no rows and we are very affectionate with each other.We cuddle and tell each other we love each other everyday.

Thats why im feeling betrayed and shocked that he couldnt talk to me. I really just thought he was tired and stressed and we have spoke about the lack of sex and these were his reasons.As we are still affectionate with each other I didnt worry to much but I was feeling lonely and felt something wasnt right.

We have been together 17 years this year and I thought we were a perfect match.We are a private couple and I have never discussed my husband with anyone,not even friends.I thought we had something special between us.

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vicki
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hi merrydust

i would just like to say i know how you feel, my partner hardly ever wants sex either and it is upsetting however my situation is very different from yours. you sound as though you have a good marriage and your husband loves you. who knows what is going through his mind at the moment but i am sure you will get over it and things will get back on track again.

its strange because until recently i really didnt think that men not wanting sex was common but since it has happened to me the amount of times i have heard of this has gone through the roof. we (women) are constantly being told men think about it every few seconds and we are bombarded with sexual imagery of women everywhere, lets be honest mostly aimed at men. therefore when we come across blokes who dont want it it appears very strange and if it is happening to you, very upsetting.

i hope u can talk to him and i really hope u can get it all sorted out:)

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MarlowCHC
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I notice that all the responses so far have been from women, and they are properly supportive but tend to be aimed at making you feel better, as you would probably expect. However, you seem to be looking for solutions, or at least answers, so perhaps a male viewpoint may be helpful? Solving problems is, after all, what believe we do (though in this case we seem to be causing them also!).

You say you have concerns around his job but he says everything is OK. The point here is - that's what he will say, whatever he feels, because he loves you and he doesn't want you to worry about the situation or to worry about the fact that he is actually worried and feeling very insecure and all those other things that men think they aren't supposed to feel because they are men. We men do that, I'm afraid.

If you can get him to actually talk about it (and that is a lot easier said than done as we have centuries of cultural conditioning which looks down on men talking about such things, especially to their nearest and dearest) you will probably find that the masturbation and the porn - which are associated activities, let's face it - are not in fact new. Most men do it, according to loads of studies and according to every psychologist I've ever talked to! So that really is not something to worry about even though it is obviously a shock to you at the moment. Sometimes, men will just want a release and they don't want to go through the foreplay thing and in any case, they know best what will actually get them off quickest (which is what they are looking for at that moment). He wouldn't want to wake you because it's much more hassle to include someone else and also in his current state of insecurity he almost certainly has a (buried) doubt about his ability to perform adequately in the full sexual act.

So, no, you're not really over-reacting becaus sex has clearly been something which is important to you both and which has been one of the cornerstones of your relationship with him. What may be more difficult to understand is that it might not have been so much a cornerstone of his relationship with you. Even though it will obviously have been very important to him there will be other, more romantic, considerations which he will believe to be more basic.

Somehow, you have to get him to talk to you properly on the subject, both of his worries about the job and other things and about the sex thing. In order to do this, I'm afraid you will have to not make him feel guilty about it at the outset and you are going to have to be prepared to hear things which you don't like, without reacting to them in a way which will make him feel guilty about upsetting you. If you make him feel guilty, he'll almost certainly clam up and you'll never get to discuss it again!

Hope this helps,

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myarka
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I notice that all the responses so far have been from women

Not quite ;).

Myarka

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holisticcircle
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Hi Merrydust

Just a suggestion that may help. Have you tried going for a long walk recently ? just the two of you ? This is something that has always helped with me. For some reason it seems to be easier to talk about certain issues when your out and about on a long walk. Its also a great way to bond and re-connect. 🙂

Holistic Circle

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Supersub
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Hi Merrydust

Just a suggestion that may help. Have you tried going for a long walk recently ? just the two of you ? This is something that has always helped with me. For some reason it seems to be easier to talk about certain issues when your out and about on a long walk. Its also a great way to bond and re-connect. 🙂

Nice idea. You might even be able to incorporate some sex (though we find this works better with country walks rather than when we're walking through city centres). 😉

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stevewilson
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My wife and have not had sex for 6 months. We are happily married and have been for 15 yrs. We have two teenage children. I have got used to the idea that she does not want sex although it did upset me at first. She constantly complains about being tired and I respect that. However, it is important for health reasons for a man to ejaculate at least twice a week. Not many women realise this and masturbation is how this is generally achieved. The, perhaps sad thing is, this can become a chore and porn is one way of helping to create the stimulation required. Having said that, it is not something my wife is keen to hear about.

I think the sex in relationship thing is a tricky subject and there are no right answers. I guess understanding between each other is key although I personally find this hard to talk about when I know she is likely to be unreceptive.

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merrydust
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Thanks everyone for all the replies,they have give me time to think.
And think is what I have done.I have come to realise over this week that I have not been looking after myself or my own needs.I know my husband loves me regardless but this should not have been an excuse to stop loving myself.This is something I feel strongly about and im disapointed in my self,had I loved myself and felt confident and less insecure I doubt I would have reacted and took it as personal as I did.My Husband feels like he realised it had been a while since we had had sex but didnt see it as a problem.He also felt like sex is such a small part in our relationship and feels we have so much more together than just sex.....................So here is the PROBLEM !!!.We do have a lot together and I love him more than anything but I feel that yes I agree sex is a small part ,time wise,as we are busy with children,work,life etc I feel that between the 2 of us sex is everything in out relationship it is the only private thing we share between just the 2 of us,so there for it is a BIG part.He was surprised to hear me put it like that and agreed.We have had lots of oportunity to talk about our feelings this week and look for a way forward.
Just talking about our feelings and current situation has put things into perspective.My husband has felt lazy in all areas of his life,he felt he was working and coming home,worrying about work,not enough sleep and over eating and feeling tired. although we have had a good open honest relationship we havent talked really honestly about sex,after all we started 17 years ago,found away that felt good and we have just kept on doing it that way with no complaints but I think there must be more as my husband tells me he feel anxious about coming to soon befor me and I have felt his efforts to delay as a difficulty in coming !

Anyway like I said after a week of talking and reasuring each other,this is how our weekend went...........we took a bath together on saturday night and took an early night!

Sunday my husband did some things around the house that had been wanting to do but never had the energy........he cleared out the office and also cooked a roast dinner for us all ,whats this got to do with SEX ??? well he felt possitive and had the energy and felt good about himself and most of all he was happy.while he was doing that i cleared out our bedroom.removed all the books,magazines and rubbish........cleaned the floor,ironed new bedding, set up my massage couch with fresh towels and bought all new cushions and candles and an oil burner.

making the effort has made all the diffence.Last night we made love and have decided to avoid penetrative sex for the time so allow us to get to know each others and our own bodies in a different way.It was amazing!

We were able to stay in the moment and experience what was happening at that second and not be thinking about what we usually do next,also as we are not having penetrative sex we are free to experience an orgasm when it comes along and not when he feels it has to to coincide with me.

Any massages my husband has had on my massage couch in my treatment room have always been professional,but now my room is closed and I have the couch in our bedroom he will be getting a tantric massage for our anniversary ........roll on saturday !!!

I acknowledge my husband is entitled to his privacy and that as a man he will masterbate and this is no reflection on me. Im more dissapointed that i havent been getting to know my body more and think its time I looked after me as a women and not a mother of 5.My husband went to the gym befor work this morning and I have prcaticed my kundalini yoga,something ive been trying to find time for for ages.

Thank you all so much ,to the women who replied for your support and understanding how I was feeling and to the men who made me see the facts without all the drama. xxx

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Supersub
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That's brilliant... well done! Just shows how important it is to talk.

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BayWhitaker
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This is quite inspirational - thanks for sharing the story. I was going to add that I wish my husband WOULD masturbate, because he claims not to be able to, which puts a heavy burden of guilt on me if I don't feel like sex for more than a few weeks. Anyway, glad it worked out so well....

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Matty30
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However, it is important for health reasons for a man to ejaculate at least twice a week.

Incorrect, it is the opposite. The less the better (ejaculation that is not orgasm.)

Read a book called The Multi Orgasmic Man by Mantak Chia, Douglas Abrams. It is the best and most important book I have ever read. It often gets a mention on this site. It speaks in detail about this and the ability to divide orgasm and ejaculation.

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Supersub
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Incorrect, it is the opposite. The less the better (ejaculation that is not orgasm.)

Read a book called The Multi Orgasmic Man by Mantak Chia, Douglas Abrams. It is the best and most important book I have ever read. It often gets a mention on this site. It speaks in detail about this and the ability to divide orgasm and ejaculation.

Now I think you're splitting hairs. For most men, they are the same thing, and I believe it is generally accepted that regular ejaculation is good for prostate health.

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Matty30
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well, i think i'd be an absolute wreck if i did that but maybe it's just me.

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tenderirishman
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Hi all, I hope this is right what I am doing here

😮See I already started wrong but anyway my intentions are true.

Firstly let me say this man is partly right about the male as a human being. Secondly I am not sorry to hear of this problem, for if you look at the glass half-full you will find this will make your relationship stronger. Just as a company has to change and adapt all the time to be in business, so do our relationships. A river is always changing the contents of water but it is never the same water, yet we all admire that lovely river. Maybe you have been doing the same things. Open your mind, explore new things.

Society likes to pigeon-hole us, our teachings of what is proper and normal was maybe good in those days, but we also have to change what’s inside. Find what porn, he maybe wants to explore new things and is feeling bad about it, confused even. Give him a massage, saying very few words is better from you. He will feel your love in you, also close your eyes, let your feelings and senses take you. Just both of you relax, enjoy the time, don’t restrict your mind to drifting somewhere else or someone else. This is only in the mind, most big fires are caused by accident so let the fire burn inside you both again, reap the benefits - after a fire there is new life, not the same but still lovely.

I mean no offence.
I will think of you - good life to you both x

I notice that all the responses so far have been from women, and they are properly supportive but tend to be aimed at making you feel better, as you would probably expect. However, you seem to be looking for solutions, or at least answers, so perhaps a male viewpoint may be helpful? Solving problems is, after all, what believe we do (though in this case we seem to be causing them also!).

You say you have concerns around his job but he says everything is OK. The point here is - that's what he will say, whatever he feels, because he loves you and he doesn't want you to worry about the situation or to worry about the fact that he is actually worried and feeling very insecure and all those other things that men think they aren't supposed to feel because they are men. We men do that, I'm afraid.

If you can get him to actually talk about it (and that is a lot easier said than done as we have centuries of cultural conditioning which looks down on men talking about such things, especially to their nearest and dearest) you will probably find that the masturbation and the porn - which are associated activities, let's face it - are not in fact new. Most men do it, according to loads of studies and according to every psychologist I've ever talked to! So that really is not something to worry about even though it is obviously a shock to you at the moment. Sometimes, men will just want a release and they don't want to go through the foreplay thing and in any case, they know best what will actually get them off quickest (which is what they are looking for at that moment). He wouldn't want to wake you because it's much more hassle to include someone else and also in his current state of insecurity he almost certainly has a (buried) doubt about his ability to perform adequately in the full sexual act.

So, no, you're not really over-reacting becaus sex has clearly been something which is important to you both and which has been one of the cornerstones of your relationship with him. What may be more difficult to understand is that it might not have been so much a cornerstone of his relationship with you. Even though it will obviously have been very important to him there will be other, more romantic, considerations which he will believe to be more basic.

Somehow, you have to get him to talk to you properly on the subject, both of his worries about the job and other things and about the sex thing. In order to do this, I'm afraid you will have to not make him feel guilty about it at the outset and you are going to have to be prepared to hear things which you don't like, without reacting to them in a way which will make him feel guilty about upsetting you. If you make him feel guilty, he'll almost certainly clam up and you'll never get to discuss it again!

Hope this helps,

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merrydust
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Talked ,tried...........made a difference for a while.

6 weeks later and im back in the same place.Im slowly realising that when its over its over,I cant compete with pornography.
After 17 years together and 5 children ,I dont even want or think I could try.my husbands excuse is that its not real,we are real and he is happy with what we have. Good for him.
I dont want to feel like when ever we are together he is thinking of the women he has downloaded and that is what I now feel our relationship has become.it may not be real to him, but real enough to me to end our relationship. very sad. x

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holisticbabe
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awe Im so sorry it didnt work out the way you wanted it to. I personally couldnt cope with my hubby watching porn for the same reason you have just stated I would always wonder if he was with me and thinking of them.

I have no suggestion for you other than to make sure he knows an dtruly understands how you fell about it. If he continues to use it rather than be with you at least you know you have tried every ave.

Paula
xxx

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Richard Lawton3
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Hi Merrydust

Talked ,tried...........made a difference for a while.

6 weeks later and im back in the same place.Im slowly realising that when its over its over,I cant compete with pornography.
After 17 years together and 5 children ,I dont even want or think I could try.my husbands excuse is that its not real,we are real and he is happy with what we have. Good for him.
I dont want to feel like when ever we are together he is thinking of the women he has downloaded and that is what I now feel our relationship has become.it may not be real to him, but real enough to me to end our relationship. very sad. x

I'm sorry to hear that. I would just like to add some thoughts, though.

In your original post you said that things had been ok up to 2 months ago. You've spent 6 weeks trying to sort things out. So if I've read this correctly, you're giving up on 17 years of marriage after 14 weeks of problems.

That simply doesn't add up. When it comes to sorting out problems, 14 weeks is nothing. I can't help but suspect that there's something else going on here.

You say you "can't compete with pornography." Why do you think you have to compete? Who is making it into a competition? Your husband apparently doesn't see it as one. He seems quite clear that your are real while porn is not. Men are very good at compartmentalising in that way. Women, being more connected, often tend to feel their partner's use of porn as a betrayal.

So there is perhaps a major issue for you around security confidence and self-esteem. It also appears that your husband is being rather insensitive to your feelings in not really appreciating how it makes you feel and modifying his behaviour. I wonder what is actually going on for him? It may be that his libido is naturally dropping as he gets older, so 'real' sex feels jaded, doesn't give him the buzz it once did.

You said that you hadn't previously really talked honestly about sex, but started doing so. Did that include sharing your sexual fantasies? What are your sexual fantasies? (Rhetorical question - I'm not expecting a reply!) Sexual fanatsies are simply pornography in one's head. If you do have fantasies then you too are using pornography. If you don't have them, then that suggests you may well not be allowing yourself to be a full sexual being (i.e. your sexual energy isn't fully integrated with your creative & emotional being).

Good luck whatever you decide.

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Fadette
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I am sorry you re feeling this way; I ve been reading all the posts with interest and was pleased to see that it had worked out in the end.

I cannot give serious advice as Im not in a serious relationship at the moment and the only man Ive ever been a long time with seemed uninterested in porn - or was very good at hiding it. He knew how I felt, Im a feminist and I think even if men need the release and that graphic stuff does the trick for them, well, in the end, it IS annoying for women to be totally open and loyal to their man when he is getting excited by other women, even if just "virtual".
So Im sorry I cannot be of any help but saying thay I have the feeling your relationship sounds exceptionally strong and many women would envy your happiness.

Now Im talking to the men here, what would your reaction be if you found under the bed some gay porn magazines (with pictures of muscle men in action, say) next to a vibrator, which your wife/girlfriend would have tried to hide? in total honesty would it make you a bit confused, jaleous, or even hurt, or would you think "good, she s entitled to her own sex life too"? im genuinekly curious, this is not a provoking question.

thanks.

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Fadette
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Oops Im not sure I agree with you Richard about fantasies being the same as pornography. If someone gets sexually released, ie have some sexual activity on her/his own, by conjuring fantasies then ok it is more or less the same. but there are differences, and the first one I can think of is "control" or rather "personal": fantasies are entiredy created by self when porn is just man-made (literally speaking! not made by women/for women) stuff permanently available at one clic on the net. so available I wonder about the new generation of men who grew up with internet in their bedroom and learnt sex through porn movies. I might be over analysing the matter but it feels to me that porn may create addiction and this goes beyond the inital release thing that personal fantasies (imagination) provide.

Plus if I dig in the matter, Im not against porn, Im just offended by what kind of porn is on offer! it s actually unreal, which I guess is the point as its aim is to mass-seduce by shocking (in order to sell downloads as there is big competition)-tempting. So yes I think it s unreal: impossibly shaped horny females just begging for mecanical sex with boring males. and I found that hardcore stuff is unhealtily violent towards fermale identity. I start wondering then at the border between virtual violent graphic sex on a virtual submissive woman and the need to get someday something more adrenaline-triggering such as illegal stuff Im not even discussing here but which everyone can think of.

just my own trivial piece of female thinking. Porn will always be an issue if used long term by a man in a relationship, in my opinion (not including sex dvds being watched together, different matter, I know women who watch erotica dvds with their man, the difference is that they choose the film and it s usually "soft" porn...but maybe Im generalizing).

Regarding Merrydust's refusal to "compete", she shouldnt be made to feel that she s the one with a problem, that she isnt self confident etc etc. that s insult added to injury.
Again, if we swope roles and women were the ones viewing lots of graphic sex with impossibly shaped and lasting sex gods being complete servants to our fantasies (maybe some day porn films will be like that! like romance with amazing looking men doing incredible sex with demanding but normal looking bored actresses, with the focus being on men pleasing the woman not vice versa ahah) and masturbating in secret, then maybe their partners would start feeling like they "have to compete" and feeling not-so-secure with their manhood etc..?

Im just saying this because around me Ive had confused and anxious female friends asking me for advice when at some point in their relationship with their partners they "found" the porn material and had a crisis as the patner initially stated that they hadnt used porn since they were 17 (!). I each case, my friends felt insulted, betrayed, and felt the porn actresses were preferred as they were thin with big breast etc, performing athletic & acrobatic sex. It s never happened to me but I guess I would feel the same, Id compare myself, even if in real life I do not care for stereotype female bodies.

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merrydust
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I cant compete as im not in the running.A few months back I felt we had resolved our upset by talking to each other and sharing how we felt. we have not previously discussed our sex life open and honestly as it had never been an issue,im very(was) happy with my husband and our sex life together.
I told my husband how i felt about the pornography he had downloaded and he said it was stupid of him and didnt know why he did it and should have come to me and been honest.He said it was deleted,when I looked it was.So now when I looked on at the weekend I was shocked ,hurt and upset.more so because of the open ,honest talks we had, plans we made to move forward together.I feel let down that all the time,he wasnt been honest but just pacifying me and agreeing all the time he kept the pornography and has downloaded more.
I asked him about it and he first said it wasnt there,didnt know how it was back on the phone,looked me in the eyes and swore he didnt put it back on.The next day he admits he knew it was there but had been on there all along,he just hid the file for when I checked.
So thats why I cant compete as he has already chosen when he decided to hide the file instead of deleating it while im poring my heart out and suggesting what we can do to get our relationship back.
Also lying,this has never been an issue in our life together befor and I feel I can forgive him or trust him again.He said he lied because he panicked.
I am confident and dont have self esteme issues ,but I do feel pretty worthless at the moment and thats not my self image but a reflection of how my husband feels about me and his priorities to me after 17 years.
So yes its only porn,some think not real,but the lies,betrayal and feeling of worthlessness feels very real.
I cant believe this is the same man and to say men can put things into boxes and seperatate feelings and emotions is just a cop out in my opinion,he had a responsability to me and our relationship and has undermined it.

xx

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BayWhitaker
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Merrydust this is so very sad: your sense of hurt and betrayal really come through. But as others have said, is it really worth ending 17 years of marriage for this? Maybe it is - but here are some thoughts:

Any couples therapist will tell you that when couples begin to have sexual problems (which I think is what yours is about), it is likely to be because of other tensions in the relationship that are not being dealt with. Could this be the case?... (I mean before the lies about the porn etc). I wonder if you would consider couples therapy?

Not everybody feels the way you feel about their partner's use of porn. So although you've articulated very clearly how you feel about your husband's use of it, I'm not really sure if the only solution is for him to have to stop. This thread is long and though I've read through it I might have missed something, but that does seem to be the only solution that will satisfy you, is that right? If so, it seems like an ultimatum, and I wondered if that was really the situation you wanted?

I got the impression that he has feelings of shame about using the porn, and your reaction will have made that stronger I expect, so I'm not really surprised that he hid the fact he was using it again and denied it when confronted - it's as if you are in the angry mother role, and he in the naughty boy role, which must feel quite horrible for you both. I notice that he may have wanted to protect your feelings by hiding it, but you did invade his privacy by checking on this, and I wonder if that is something you would normally do, or was it just because you're all upset?

Merrydust, what I want to say is in no way criticising your feelings - they are real and incredibly painful. But I wonder if you think it is possible for you to begin to feel differently about his use of porn, because when he looks at it, he is not criticizing you or finding fault with you. If those connections are made in your head, then you will be upset, but you could begin to challenge those thoughts yourself. They are yours, not his (at least that's the impression I've got the thread).

Something I find helpful to remember sometimes is: you can't make people change: you can change yourself, and you can help them change if they want to: and that's it.

To conclude let me say: I don't think that this is just your problem and that only you should change your attitude: I think that you might both be able to work together to make some changes and save the marriage, if you decide it's worth changing.

I hope I don't get jumped on too much for this post: to challenge the gender stereotyping, I'm a woman who uses porn much more often than my husband. I love him with all my heart and we have great sex, which I find is sometimes enhanced by ideas and fantasies I get from porn.

I haven't gone into the wider political question about porn, which I agree is live and a feminist issue - sorry... just wanted to concentrate on the personal for this one.

I wish you the best of luck and strength to weather this difficult time.

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merrydust
Posts: 83
Topic starter
(@merrydust)
Trusted Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Thanks for your reply,I dont object to my husbands use of porn but the lying and hiding it is what im upset about.I didnt tell him he had to get rid of and stop using but was concentrating on getting our relationship back on track.we talkied about this at some length over a week and made plans together.He said he had deleted the pornography.
What im upset about is that he didnt delete it and then lied about it,this I dont understand?I dont understand why it has become a secret.
In the 17 years we have been together he has in the past worked away for up to 3-4 months at a time in a male dominant environment and have no problem knowing that in that time he would have used pornography.
I didnt invade his privacy,but looked on his mobile phone,which as a family we all use including our teenage daughter.So yes im annoyed he didnt delete it and went to the trouble to hide the file.Its not my intention to make him ashamed of anything he chooses to do as he is an adult and as you said im not his mother but lies and decete about anything in a relationship is not a trait im to encourage in my husband.

If I was worried about the lack of sex in our relationship and found my husband had been drinking to much and he said he realised it was causing problems in our relationship and would stop,I would be just as mad to find bottles of alcohol hidden and have him lie about drinking it.

I just dont understand why he has chosen to hide and lie,than be honest so we can work things out.

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BayWhitaker
Posts: 116
(@baywhitaker)
Estimable Member
Joined: 13 years ago

Hi again

Sorry, I misunderstood - I thought it was his using porn that you objected to.

Usually when people lie and hide things, it's because they are afraid.

By the way, in my last post I said something about me having great sex, sometimes enhanced by porn. How unbearably smug! After 25 years it is not, of course, always great: sometimes a bore, sometimes absent for ages.

Good luck merrydust

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Supersub
Posts: 1489
(@supersub)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago

Merrydust, I have to say that - as a man - the advice from Richard and Bay sounds absolutely spot-on to me (all the more impressive given Bay's gender!). It now appears that this is not about porn, or erotica as many would probably prefer to call it, but about lies.

One of the many extra extraordinary things about the internet is that it has made erotica more inclusive of women. Rather than being fed "porn" by a rather unpleasant industry, both men and women are able to indulge their fantasies by participating rather than simply being passive observers.

I do share some fears about how this will affect some teenagers growing up with access to all sorts of bizarre things on their bedroom laptops, but I am also sorry it has come too late for many of us who grew up - despite the so-called "permissive society" of the Sixties and Seventies - with an underlying feeling that sex is inherently a rather shameful and embarrassing private thing.

Why does your man lie to you? Is it because he wants to deliberately undermine your long relationship? No, of course not - he is just horribly embarrassed by being caught out in something "shameful".

If this REALLY is the only issue involved here, it can be got over. Isn't it worth trying for your future and your children's future?

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Learning
Posts: 444
(@learning)
Reputable Member
Joined: 15 years ago

If you kick him to the kerb, I can guarantee his sex life will become real and not virtual. Divorce is one of the most stressful things you can go through, equal to death of a spouse. You will be inflicting emotional and financial damage on your kids and yourself.

I have no problem with boyfriends using porn. Sometimes I need a break and it gets them off my back (and gets me off my back). 😉

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