No sex

I think it's a positive thing that you're talking about this. Changes in behaviour can be brought about by many things, but now you have an oportunity to talk and get to know what each other's concerns and worries are.

The damage happens when these things go on for years and lives become separated. But when problems are out in the open, they're a lot easier to solve. It can be a bit embarrassing at first, and denial and defensive behaviours will come up, but bit by bit it becomes easier. Just don't be judgemental of each other, accept the situation for what it is now, and move forward.

So look at it as a good thing, start talking, create some "couple time" and learn to have fun together again.

Namaste,
Myarka.

Thanks for the reply,but I cant initiate something he isnt interested in.
my question was, am I over reacting ?

we had lots of couple time up until 8 weeks ago.

Hi Merrydust! Sorry to hear your problem. I don't think you are over reacting to this, it can be a shock to any relationship when a partner becomes uninterested in sex, and also a blow to your confidence. The fact that he's using porn and masturbating can also come as a shock to many women as they feel inadequate and wonder why their partner doesn't make 'moves' on them if they are showing signs of interest in sex. I have had a similar problem where we haven't had any physical contact for 8 months due to me being too tired, and him critcising me. My husband has always had an interest in porn, which i am not repulsed by, but find it degrading when they expect you to 'perform' in the bedroom like one of their videos!
Does he show any signs of affection at all to you? A kiss or a cuddle?
You need to talk with him about what is going on. I know it sounds easier than it is, but you really need to get to the bottom of what is happening.
Have there been rows in your house? Perhaps he feels he can't talk to you about his worries. Mens still need a sexual release, and i'm afraid they resort to masturbation to fulfill that need. Women want love and tenderness, to be held and feel loved. You deserve this, and i think you should gently ask him about his need for porn and why he isn't approaching you.
I can understand your shock, and this is a normal reaction, so don't feel undermined by this. I hope you can communicate together, and find out what is the root of this problem. Love and light.

Hi Merrydust

Wanting to talk about this problem and find a way of solving the issues which surround it is not an over reaction at all :). As has been said loads of different things influence a couples sex life but they do need to be discussed if they are bringing up concerns for either partner.

Something I would like to add is that masturbation is not always sexual. What I mean is that masturbation is also a method of stress release and great endorphin producer. My boyfriend has remarked that I have quite blokey tendencies in that when i'm stressed or unhappy its a technique i sometimes use. I don't necessarily feel turned on i just need 'something' and sometimes I use masturbation to fill that gap, other times it will be chocolate or a bourbon. Therefore his masturbation may not reflect his sexual appetite so don't feel threatened by this.

I guess overall what i'm trying to say is the masturbation shouldn't been your main focus initially, avoid criticising that, focus on your partnership and how the lack of intimimacy is affecting you. Perhaps masturbation and porn may turn out to be an underlying issue but it may well not be and is something that is naturally resolved when the real reasons for his behaviour change come to light.

With love

Sunbeamx

Thanks for the replys they have helped me think more clearly.
We are very open an honest with each other and talk about everything. We have had no rows and we are very affectionate with each other.We cuddle and tell each other we love each other everyday.

Thats why im feeling betrayed and shocked that he couldnt talk to me. I really just thought he was tired and stressed and we have spoke about the lack of sex and these were his reasons.As we are still affectionate with each other I didnt worry to much but I was feeling lonely and felt something wasnt right.

We have been together 17 years this year and I thought we were a perfect match.We are a private couple and I have never discussed my husband with anyone,not even friends.I thought we had something special between us.

hi merrydust

i would just like to say i know how you feel, my partner hardly ever wants sex either and it is upsetting however my situation is very different from yours. you sound as though you have a good marriage and your husband loves you. who knows what is going through his mind at the moment but i am sure you will get over it and things will get back on track again.

its strange because until recently i really didnt think that men not wanting sex was common but since it has happened to me the amount of times i have heard of this has gone through the roof. we (women) are constantly being told men think about it every few seconds and we are bombarded with sexual imagery of women everywhere, lets be honest mostly aimed at men. therefore when we come across blokes who dont want it it appears very strange and if it is happening to you, very upsetting.

i hope u can talk to him and i really hope u can get it all sorted out:)

I notice that all the responses so far have been from women, and they are properly supportive but tend to be aimed at making you feel better, as you would probably expect. However, you seem to be looking for solutions, or at least answers, so perhaps a male viewpoint may be helpful? Solving problems is, after all, what believe we do (though in this case we seem to be causing them also!).

You say you have concerns around his job but he says everything is OK. The point here is - that's what he will say, whatever he feels, because he loves you and he doesn't want you to worry about the situation or to worry about the fact that he is actually worried and feeling very insecure and all those other things that men think they aren't supposed to feel because they are men. We men do that, I'm afraid.

If you can get him to actually talk about it (and that is a lot easier said than done as we have centuries of cultural conditioning which looks down on men talking about such things, especially to their nearest and dearest) you will probably find that the masturbation and the porn - which are associated activities, let's face it - are not in fact new. Most men do it, according to loads of studies and according to every psychologist I've ever talked to! So that really is not something to worry about even though it is obviously a shock to you at the moment. Sometimes, men will just want a release and they don't want to go through the foreplay thing and in any case, they know best what will actually get them off quickest (which is what they are looking for at that moment). He wouldn't want to wake you because it's much more hassle to include someone else and also in his current state of insecurity he almost certainly has a (buried) doubt about his ability to perform adequately in the full sexual act.

So, no, you're not really over-reacting becaus sex has clearly been something which is important to you both and which has been one of the cornerstones of your relationship with him. What may be more difficult to understand is that it might not have been so much a cornerstone of his relationship with you. Even though it will obviously have been very important to him there will be other, more romantic, considerations which he will believe to be more basic.

Somehow, you have to get him to talk to you properly on the subject, both of his worries about the job and other things and about the sex thing. In order to do this, I'm afraid you will have to not make him feel guilty about it at the outset and you are going to have to be prepared to hear things which you don't like, without reacting to them in a way which will make him feel guilty about upsetting you. If you make him feel guilty, he'll almost certainly clam up and you'll never get to discuss it again!

Hope this helps,

I notice that all the responses so far have been from women

Not quite ;).

Myarka

Hi Merrydust

Just a suggestion that may help. Have you tried going for a long walk recently ? just the two of you ? This is something that has always helped with me. For some reason it seems to be easier to talk about certain issues when your out and about on a long walk. Its also a great way to bond and re-connect. 🙂

Holistic Circle

Hi Merrydust

Just a suggestion that may help. Have you tried going for a long walk recently ? just the two of you ? This is something that has always helped with me. For some reason it seems to be easier to talk about certain issues when your out and about on a long walk. Its also a great way to bond and re-connect. 🙂

Nice idea. You might even be able to incorporate some sex (though we find this works better with country walks rather than when we're walking through city centres). 😉

My wife and have not had sex for 6 months. We are happily married and have been for 15 yrs. We have two teenage children. I have got used to the idea that she does not want sex although it did upset me at first. She constantly complains about being tired and I respect that. However, it is important for health reasons for a man to ejaculate at least twice a week. Not many women realise this and masturbation is how this is generally achieved. The, perhaps sad thing is, this can become a chore and porn is one way of helping to create the stimulation required. Having said that, it is not something my wife is keen to hear about.

I think the sex in relationship thing is a tricky subject and there are no right answers. I guess understanding between each other is key although I personally find this hard to talk about when I know she is likely to be unreceptive.

Thanks everyone for all the replies,they have give me time to think.
And think is what I have done.I have come to realise over this week that I have not been looking after myself or my own needs.I know my husband loves me regardless but this should not have been an excuse to stop loving myself.This is something I feel strongly about and im disapointed in my self,had I loved myself and felt confident and less insecure I doubt I would have reacted and took it as personal as I did.My Husband feels like he realised it had been a while since we had had sex but didnt see it as a problem.He also felt like sex is such a small part in our relationship and feels we have so much more together than just sex.....................So here is the PROBLEM !!!.We do have a lot together and I love him more than anything but I feel that yes I agree sex is a small part ,time wise,as we are busy with children,work,life etc I feel that between the 2 of us sex is everything in out relationship it is the only private thing we share between just the 2 of us,so there for it is a BIG part.He was surprised to hear me put it like that and agreed.We have had lots of oportunity to talk about our feelings this week and look for a way forward.
Just talking about our feelings and current situation has put things into perspective.My husband has felt lazy in all areas of his life,he felt he was working and coming home,worrying about work,not enough sleep and over eating and feeling tired. although we have had a good open honest relationship we havent talked really honestly about sex,after all we started 17 years ago,found away that felt good and we have just kept on doing it that way with no complaints but I think there must be more as my husband tells me he feel anxious about coming to soon befor me and I have felt his efforts to delay as a difficulty in coming !

Anyway like I said after a week of talking and reasuring each other,this is how our weekend went...........we took a bath together on saturday night and took an early night!

Sunday my husband did some things around the house that had been wanting to do but never had the energy........he cleared out the office and also cooked a roast dinner for us all ,whats this got to do with SEX ??? well he felt possitive and had the energy and felt good about himself and most of all he was happy.while he was doing that i cleared out our bedroom.removed all the books,magazines and rubbish........cleaned the floor,ironed new bedding, set up my massage couch with fresh towels and bought all new cushions and candles and an oil burner.

making the effort has made all the diffence.Last night we made love and have decided to avoid penetrative sex for the time so allow us to get to know each others and our own bodies in a different way.It was amazing!

We were able to stay in the moment and experience what was happening at that second and not be thinking about what we usually do next,also as we are not having penetrative sex we are free to experience an orgasm when it comes along and not when he feels it has to to coincide with me.

Any massages my husband has had on my massage couch in my treatment room have always been professional,but now my room is closed and I have the couch in our bedroom he will be getting a tantric massage for our anniversary ........roll on saturday !!!

I acknowledge my husband is entitled to his privacy and that as a man he will masterbate and this is no reflection on me. Im more dissapointed that i havent been getting to know my body more and think its time I looked after me as a women and not a mother of 5.My husband went to the gym befor work this morning and I have prcaticed my kundalini yoga,something ive been trying to find time for for ages.

Thank you all so much ,to the women who replied for your support and understanding how I was feeling and to the men who made me see the facts without all the drama. xxx

That's brilliant... well done! Just shows how important it is to talk.

This is quite inspirational - thanks for sharing the story. I was going to add that I wish my husband WOULD masturbate, because he claims not to be able to, which puts a heavy burden of guilt on me if I don't feel like sex for more than a few weeks. Anyway, glad it worked out so well....