1 month and 3 weeks ago this week I walked passed a lady who came out of her working place and almost immediately we clicked by making eye contact and smiling at each other but one of her work colleagues came out as well just seconds later and got talking to her for a few minutes and whilst they were doing that I had to contend with two blonde haired men who kept on staring at me for no reason what-so-ever, well unless they deliberately wanted me to feel very uncomfortable and embarrassed and in some cases they did succeed!; but anyway after the two ladies had chatted for some strange reason the lady who I clicked with, just suddenly walked away from me without even introducing herself?!

I have been wanting to go to her workplace again on the day we had met each week for: 1 month and 3 weeks but fate had other plans for me because I am an unpaid live in carer for my grandma and so I have been looking after her and her home by doing all of the chores that needed to be completed and her car broke down twice and in the end her car needed a new battery fitted!

But during last week I did manage to walk passed the ladies work place again and I heard two of her lady colleagues talking about me saying “that is him who had supposedly ignored our lady colleague even though she fancied him because he ignored her but we would tell him when she would be working next; due to changing her timetable because of now going to college but he would have to talk to us first of course either today, next week or the week after that as that would be our cut off point!!”.

So this week I did manage to walk as far as the outer area of where they work but unfortunately my social anxiety kicked in because: What if those two ladies made me feel twice as uncomfortable and embarrassed just like those two blonde haired men did to me? therefore making me speak in my effeminate voice like I normally do when I am anxious, very faintly, mumble, not make any sense at all and just finding myself completely running away from the situation!!

I then said to myself “I know that you have been single for a while and you do not normally like change do you? although you are the only person who is still single in your family but in hind sight you would like to get married and have at least: 1x child of your own!!, you are scared of confrontation and making a complete idiot of yourself just like a clown would! and you can try to get a ladies attention by flirting with them but when it comes to the next stage you just want to run away from the ladies instead?? what a complete loser you are!!” so if you were me what would you do?  I wish that I could be saying this to a physical friend or friends but I have a bad history when it comes to making new friends because they always let me down in some way e.g. by disappearing, insulting me, telling me it is my fault and not theirs and also blaming me when it comes to them breaking the law due to getting caught!

Thank you all for taking the time in reading this and I look forward to your replies.

All the very best,

TheBattle2009

Was 5 years Feb 2025 since sentencing.

Will be 6 years Nov 2025 since I went to court.

Is 10 years since I re-approached the police.

Will be 21 years Nov since I posted about my rape here on healthy pages.

Was 22 years Jan 2025 since I told my mum.

Was 23 years since I first approached the police.

Will be 37 years since my multiple rapes took place and despite all the dates and times and events above, I still haven’t shared everything that happened to me. The glitches in consciousness, the delay in therapy due to the court case. The delay in the court case because of the nature of the duality of rape. 

I am still buried by time and my rapes are not historical. 

They have been apart of my whole life and my children’s lives. 

I can’t ever get away from them or them away from me. 

The price I pay for surviving historical sexual grooming, gang raping and sexual abuse from multiple abusers has defined me. 

I’m sure there are motivational quotes that say “my past will not define me!”.

But, I am living proof that it festered in my silence, it was septic in my stillness, it polluted my relationships and haunted my sleep. 

It mapped out my parenting and constructed my coping truths. “I’m fine’, “I can help you if you like”, “Hey let me take the stress out of your life I’m used to it in mine”. 

There is no freedom coming in the future for me. 

I’m tied in knots, my minds in slots, I still hold so many “I will not’s”, I protect those who have been abused. I jammed my life with so many others to protect, it negated my own impossible need to be. It’s not wrong to have done it, I could never have changed my protecting me. I certainly couldn’t change the ones that were meant too. 

What I am asking you too do consider if you have had the most difficult of assaults on your body, mind, being, self, soul, sense of self, relationship with others and all the layers of past, present & future are upside down, inside out and back to front. Speak to someone about your north, east, south and west. Tell someone how it used to be, who changed your direction, how they did that, when they did that and above all know that your essence, your pure, loving, non-consenting essence, was always resisting!. Your fight, flight freeze & flop was not a choice, it was a reaction to overwhelming life threatening fear.

I never played dead, I died and wished with all my being I could move. My wish for you is that with all your being you rise up and move as soon as possible. Into your present day and live into a future that doesn’t consume you like mine has. I didn’t have someone to tell, I became everyone someone could.

I am however some what crumpled inside, like a brown paper bag that just wanted some pick & mix and ended up picked and mixed up with rapists, sexual predators and men who use their age, power and control to pick up my body, mix up my mind and think I wouldn’t ever remember.

You will never forget, so please don’t ever regret “speak out and get into you life as soon as you can”. 

The longer you are out of it the more difficult it is to ever fit back in. 

Love & light x

Survivor

I have been working with Hebrew Pendulum for a long time but i have never seen any information about it in english...it seems is a well known energy healing therapy in spain/south america but not in other countries...?

The Hebrew pendulum is an�ancient healing technique with the ability to transform energy. Also known as the healing pendulum, is a complementary therapy like reiki that combines the benefits of radiesthesia and vibrational medicine.

The Hebrew pendulum provide you the opportunity to explore your inner self, understand your energy, and improve your quality of life!

Release energy blockages�that prevent you from moving forward in your life.

What does the Hebrew Pendulum Provide?:

• Energy Healing

• Deep chakra alignment and energy restoration

• Color Therapy

• Spells removal(evil eye, black magic...), Miasmas, and Discordant energies (entities, astral bugs...)

• Aura Shield

• Healing sessions with Emotional Health and Personal Growth
  
  I am here to answer questions and meet more people!! thank you :)�

Please can you advise?

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Thank you.

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please can somebody help me with past papers or questions for CIBTAC level 2 Award in Facial Skincare.�

Thanks�