I once had a dream that I was in a room full of people and someone was standing at the front and calling out our names, one by one. Each person had to stand when called and was then given the name of their role in life/job. When I was called I was just told "education". I had this dream some years ago but it has stuck with me, for obvious reasons as it was obviously trying to tell me my "calling" and it felt completely right in the dream.
I am at a crossroads in my life. I have realised that I have spent my whole life underestimating and undervaluing myself massively. I want to change this and am trying to but it is extremely difficult. I've posted this in the "dreams" section also. I've also had warm and caring responses on this forum and it's where I turn to when I'm really struggling. i dont have many people who would properly listen to this, if anyone in fact but on this forum I've found I've been heard in the past.
A lot of people moan about the 9 to 5 and make jokes about how awful it is as though they have no choice - i know I do this but inside I have more inspiration and believe I need to be uplifted - I have it in me to be and it is a massive craving, almost like a spiritual quest but seriously, I don't know specifically why i feel this or what to do in practical terms to get there. it is as though my mind wants to be somewhere else and my soul needs to be somewhere else, and I live every day trying to deal with this and force myself into the reality I'm in. When people say it's ok to do that to earn money, I don't think it is ok. i do it though! but I feel on a deep level these messages are trying to get out of me but can't. Does it sound crazy? I've just spent four days with some inspiring people on a short break, many of them fulfilled and intelligent and it has brought it home to me even more that I underestimate myself and force myself into frustration and work that is beneath my capability. I am quite a shy person socially and this may be limiting my choices, or it has massively in the past.
The reason I am so bothered is that I get so frustrated with people underestimating me, but it is obviously the message I am giving out and if I improve things, including being true to myself and feel fulfilled in myself and in my potential, then it will probably not keep happening. it is as though i don't know who I am, but at the same time i do!
Education could mean that I should be a teacher, some people have told me I'd be good at it but others wouldn't agree. I know I have an intellect with creativity that is crying out to be expressed. i work as an administrator at a fairly high level but nevertheless this role gets undervalued too and i constantly feel underestimated and frustrated that there is another person inside that no one can see, and people sometimes give the impression that they see me as unintelligent when (without meaning to boast) I am fairly intelligent. It;s the frustration and lack of an outlet, through work essentially I think, that I think I need to deal with in order to be happy. Any help would be appreciated, i seem to have a massive block! I am not confident at work but am more confident outside. i find my office often values people with the "gift of the gab" whether they work or not. It isn't essentially others I want to please, but myself in a way - I just feel insulted by the constant low opinion and lack of belief in me that others show so I somehow need to express something (but don't know what it is) to be my true self to others. I hope this makes sense, it's difficult to explain as I am only just getting to grips with it myself. i don't think education has to mean "teacher" by the way, it can also mean therapist perhaps. I also love literature and am good at writing, some have told me I'm talented at it yet I do nothing with it really. Sometimes when I get an inspiration and write about something I realise it's pretty good and there is a creativity there which doesn't come out anywhere else, and I get on a high. i feel like I'm in better place but also get this through reading and through inspiring things/people/ideas/history. I don't know but there is something inside me that can't get out!!.
I would also add that at work in particular but not just at work, I have a feeling of a denseness which i can't tolerate. I feel almost as thought i have a sensitivity which needs to be nurtured for me to be happy, yet I am constantly pulled down by competition, jealousy, backstabbing etc. It hurts me a great deal but I no longer allow myself to get too upset or cry. It just damages me on some level, hard to explain. All I can say is I am coping ok and can put it all on, but there is someone inside crying because she has so much more to give. And no one will see this, maybe it threatens them. I feel very held back. I think the pattern came from my father who has an intellect but never was able to use it in work and lost his self esteem and never found his niche. It scares me a lot.
Hi Traceyann
I hear you, you are ready to shine and thats always the starting point. One gets tossed about and battered by life. Life prepares you in many many ways. Whatever you suffer at the hands of others is setting a contrast and directing the way you rather be
Its all good. Once you start living from your own peace and joy, whatever that you would do- even if a housewife, director of a company a cleaner it all becomes terribly staisfying. You are amongst people riddled with competition, jealousy etc they have acted as teachers who have accentuated the ugliness of common human traits. That is the normal vibration of 95% of humanity-
All situations are helping you home- be very grateful that it took this long but it finally filled you with a sense that this is not right and I want out
...you will now find some way to get out of this too. This is how it works. You are at the cusp of finding yourself
all good!
Many thanks, you are so right. I am feeling so much stronger and even though I am in the same job I am being sociable and happy and draw to positive people and finding it easier to not get dragged down by the rest - in fact I realise that the more I am happy in myself and find positive connections, the more pointless other peoples' negativity willl be. it's odd but a woman at work has reached a very negative end (work wise) , been sacked, rightly and she was extremely toxic. I kept trying to see what it was in myself that made her treat me awfully, but she treated everyone awfully and I feel peace that she has gone. It is incredible how powerful something so negative can be; I have outlasted her there because I had the strength but I could not shine somehow. It may not only be due to her. True about life's lessons from these people. Recently another woman at work started being nasty to me and I seem to have learnt how to return this with a friendly detachment and try to accept her and she is not doing it any more! I think for a long time I have been afraid of my positivity and the jealousy of others but finally i can see it for what it is and it is not worth me losing out just to please them by hiding my light under a bushell.
ps your comment about setting a contrast is so true! Recently also my neighbour became very verbally abusive to me, saying the most incredibly hurtful things, worse things than I think anyone has ever said. We were friends before and he knows my vulnerabilities. I found myself hurt but able to walk away and walk towards other people to find kindness and love - if anything he drove me to a happier life! lol. I can now distinguish between different energies - a lot are very dense and feel scarey but I am not as scared of them as I was - a smile can disarm them and i realise now that in fact many people misunderstand me and then dislike me, and I have to resonate with them to some extent to reassure them that we can get on. I don't know whether that makes sense, that's what it feels like to me.
The reason I am so bothered is that I get so frustrated with people underestimating me, but it is obviously the message I am giving out and if I improve things, including being true to myself and feel fulfilled in myself and in my potential, then it will probably not keep happening. it is as though i don't know who I am, but at the same time i do!
No people will still think of you whatever they choose to, what will change is the way you react to what other people say and think, being true to self has nothing to do with anyone else, it is what you think that is important, it is your life experience that you are embracing not theirs.
Gaia Holistix A Gaia-Now transformational healing and personal development practice, school and retreat centre. Gaia-Now practical healing solutions and empowerments, global healing circles on Fridays.
No people will still think of you whatever they choose to, what will change is the way you react to what other people say and think, being true to self has nothing to do with anyone else, it is what you think that is important, it is your life experience that you are embracing not theirs.
Thanks Paul. Interesting. I guess I am just not being as over-concerned with what others think and I feel happier because of that. You are right, but also if I feel more centred and confident I think people will react to me differently. If that makes sense? But i see what you mean there will always be some who treat me a certain way because of themselves/prejudice or whatever and I can't do much about that, but I may just get less repetition of the problems from others if I have more respect for myself; I am more likely to choose people to be around me who bolster me rather than drag me down.
but I may just get less repetition of the problems from others if I have more respect for myself; I am more likely to choose people to be around me who bolster me rather than drag me down.
You mention in one of your posts about becoming true to self, if you work towards that goal, then you will find that when you accept self non-judgmentally and become true to self, that you become complete within self, your power lies within, you will have more of it available for you to work with, if you use it within, rather than using it to empower others.
Gaia Holistix A Gaia-Now transformational healing and personal development practice, school and retreat centre. Gaia-Now practical healing solutions and empowerments, global healing circles on Fridays.
If your current job were to disappear tomorrow and you had the opportunity to restructure your life so that you felt you were expressing all of yourself, what would you be doing? How would things be different?
“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.”
T. E. Lawrence “The Seven Pillars of Wisdom” British soldier (1888-1935)
Start by letting go of the negative thougts for a moment. And, don't, for now, think of the obstacles. Then think of what would be the most meaningful life for you. It appears to see you helping others to develop. It involves you writing. Imagine you have all the money you need. What would you do? Who would you be? And, keep asking yourself, is there anything else. When you have a rich picture of this wonderful life, feel what that would be like. When you feel it tell yourself that you deserve this. Ask yourself, what could possibly be stopping this wonderful experience. Keep reminding yourself of how good this would be.
On the work colleagues, we can't have in our plan the change in behaviour of others. This is not in our control. What we can do is be with people who make us feel good about ourselves. Choose to be with these people, as you have done by losing the neighbour from your life.
Be gentle with yourself. You are worth it. You deserve this wonderful life. You were meant to have it. And you are calling yourself to it. It can be.
You mention in one of your posts about becoming true to self, if you work towards that goal, then you will find that when you accept self non-judgmentally and become true to self, that you become complete within self, your power lies within, you will have more of it available for you to work with, if you use it within, rather than using it to empower others.
Hi Paul, thanks for this. I am not quite sure what you mean by "using it to empower others"? I suppose the fact that I am not using my strengths for myself means that by default others take what they need as I am not strong enough to be truly myself? thanks
“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.”
T. E. Lawrence “The Seven Pillars of Wisdom” British soldier (1888-1935)
Start by letting go of the negative thougts for a moment. And, don't, for now, think of the obstacles. Then think of what would be the most meaningful life for you. It appears to see you helping others to develop. It involves you writing. Imagine you have all the money you need. What would you do? Who would you be? And, keep asking yourself, is there anything else. When you have a rich picture of this wonderful life, feel what that would be like. When you feel it tell yourself that you deserve this. Ask yourself, what could possibly be stopping this wonderful experience. Keep reminding yourself of how good this would be.
On the work colleagues, we can't have in our plan the change in behaviour of others. This is not in our control. What we can do is be with people who make us feel good about ourselves. Choose to be with these people, as you have done by losing the neighbour from your life.
Be gentle with yourself. You are worth it. You deserve this wonderful life. You were meant to have it. And you are calling yourself to it. It can be.[/quot
Hi Step Confident
Thank you for this. Just reading your post makes me realise how negatively I think about work and how much I put obstacles in the way. I feel a million miles from even imagining this life, not sure why. but it is there like a tiny spark.
If your current job were to disappear tomorrow and you had the opportunity to restructure your life so that you felt you were expressing all of yourself, what would you be doing? How would things be different?
Alison
Hi Alison
This is very difficult. I think I would slow down for a start. I would be thinking more and doing less. I wouldn't be putting myself down. . I have to give this a lot of thought. I suppose I feel impatient. I feel there is so much I need to learn and I am running round in circles. I would definitely do more writing and would find more of an outlet and new adventures so that I had something more to express in writing, more inspiration. New experiences but I am not sure what. It seems impossible as I can't take much time out but I feel I desperately need it.
Hi Paul, thanks for this. I am not quite sure what you mean by "using it to empower others"? I suppose the fact that I am not using my strengths for myself means that by default others take what they need as I am not strong enough to be truly myself? thanks
No, people do not take anything from you, your life force energy is your own, only you can choose to give it to others, you do this by perceiving them as greater, more powerful, having power over you, able to put you down and of course any unresolved past judgements around the same thoughts will drain you every time you think of someone that you perceive has hurt you, been mean to you etc.
Gaia Holistix A Gaia-Now transformational healing and personal development practice, school and retreat centre. Gaia-Now practical healing solutions and empowerments, global healing circles on Fridays.
This is very difficult. I think I would slow down for a start. I would be thinking more and doing less. I wouldn't be putting myself down. . I have to give this a lot of thought. I suppose I feel impatient. I feel there is so much I need to learn and I am running round in circles. I would definitely do more writing and would find more of an outlet and new adventures so that I had something more to express in writing, more inspiration. New experiences but I am not sure what. It seems impossible as I can't take much time out but I feel I desperately need it.
Maybe you could try the following playful exercise - I know that few people have found it to be useful.
It's about using your imagination.
Find a newspaper and go through the job advertisements. Imagine yourself in each job and make a note to yourself, what is good about it, what is bad about it, what would it demand of you, how might it limit you, how might it stretch you etc etc. You can do it by yourself at first, then get some friends to pitch in with their ideas on what the job involves.
The idea isn't to find the perfect something, but to find a bit more about what you really like, really dislike, what you like but haven't got etc.
If you can, really get into it. Using your imagination can be really liberating.
You should be able to come up with a clearer list of what would make you feel good and thus have a better idea of the next step.
I want you to imagine that you are financially secure, that you have enough money to take care of your needs, now and in the future. The question is…how would you live your life? Would you change anything? Let yourself go. Don’t hold back on your dreams.
Describe a life that is complete, that is richly yours.
No, people do not take anything from you, your life force energy is your own, only you can choose to give it to others, you do this by perceiving them as greater, more powerful, having power over you, able to put you down and of course any unresolved past judgements around the same thoughts will drain you every time you think of someone that you perceive has hurt you, been mean to you etc.
Maybe you could try the following playful exercise - I know that few people have found it to be useful.
It's about using your imagination.
Find a newspaper and go through the job advertisements. Imagine yourself in each job and make a note to yourself, what is good about it, what is bad about it, what would it demand of you, how might it limit you, how might it stretch you etc etc. You can do it by yourself at first, then get some friends to pitch in with their ideas on what the job involves.
The idea isn't to find the perfect something, but to find a bit more about what you really like, really dislike, what you like but haven't got etc.
If you can, really get into it. Using your imagination can be really liberating.
You should be able to come up with a clearer list of what would make you feel good and thus have a better idea of the next step.
Wishing you well,
Alison
Thanks Alison. Will have a go maybe at the weekend. I have so many books on this sort of thing - finding right career for your personality etc. Need to work on it but I have vague ideas. I think we get stuck in a rut and this kind of thinking is difficult/scarey. Thanks.
I want you to imagine that you are financially secure, that you have enough money to take care of your needs, now and in the future. The question is…how would you live your life? Would you change anything? Let yourself go. Don’t hold back on your dreams.
Describe a life that is complete, that is richly yours.
I'll have a go at this one. I think it may take me some time, I think it's probably a difficult one for most people? Thanks
This time you visit your doctor who tells you that you have only 5 — 10 years left to live. The good part is that you won't ever feel sick. The bad news is that you will have no notice of the moment of your death. What will you do in the time you have remaining to live?
Will you change your life and how will you do it?This time you visit your doctor who tells you that you have only 5 — 10 years left to live . The good part is tha t you won ' t ever fee l sick. The bad news is that you will have no notice of the moment of you r dea th . Wha t w i l l you do in the t ime you have rema in ing to live?
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